Hi, I’m Hiro! You’ve probably seen me around the Internet now and again. (I do like that picture; it makes me look extra-smart.)
Okay, since we’re really, actually talking for the first time here, let me tell you a few things about me.
1. I’m a robot.
And yes, I can fly. What’s the point of being a robot-spaceship hybrid if I can’t fly?
2. I love T-SQL
I love data in general, really. But I like T-SQL specifically to get at the data. I know, the picture above shows me looking at graphics, but they had me pose with those – they’re actually these removable stickers – just for the photo shoot. You’ll almost never find me using a GUI, because T-SQL is so much more efficient. I can type, like, 1,000 wpm, but I can’t click on a GUI much faster than anyone else.
You’re a DBA, right? You know what I’m talking about. Â A GUI limits what can be done with the data, anyway. T-SQL lets me, and you, and everybody, query anything at all with the data available. And let me tell you: I collect a LOT of data, and I keep it in tables. (No XML, no flat files, no proprietary formats. You’re totally welcome.)
I also put together some great stuff, like stored procedures that show you Active Directory permission chains, and alerts for low disk space, things like that. Â You should hang out sometime and see all the stuff I made.
3. I like a high-level view
It probably comes from my robot superpower, which is flying.
I’ve seen that a lot of DBAs use tools that make you do a task one-at-a-time, server by server. That takes forever.  Me? I like to report and alert and manage a bunch of SQL Server instances at once. I’ve queried 10 servers at a time, and I’ve changed sp_configure options for 200 servers at once.  It’s what we at MinionWare call the set-based enterprise.
Okay, like with security. I don’t really know why you have to spend so much time on researching or scripting or cloning permissions. For me, it’s effortless. I can make your new junior DBA look exactly like the previous one, down to object level permissions, for all your servers. It’s just one T-SQL command!
4. I don’t create objects on managed servers
That’s a big pet peeve of mine. Look, if I dropped jobs or triggers or something out on managed servers, and then I needed to upgrade myself? That means the team would have to go through this big process and make sure there were plans and rollback plans and on and on. No good. This way, though, I sit on a single server, and any upgrade or change is just effortless.
5. I DO NOT LIKE event storming
One of my main jobs is to alert the team when something passes a threshold. Like, if the network goes down overnight and it messes up backups, you really need to know about that! But I think it’s frankly spammy to send dozens or hundreds of emails about it. Instead, I like smart, condensed alerts. I like to provide exceptions, adjustments, and deferments. Smart alerts. No event storms.
6. I log everything, so you can report on anything
I told you I love data, right? I follow the maxim, “log everything”. I’m really, really clever.  (I’m not egocentric; I’m a robot!) I’m clever enough to give you good reports and views, things you need. But I’m not you, so I won’t be able to come up with every clever thing you might think of.
To make up for that, I log everything. Everything I can think of that might possibly be useful, I collect and store. And I’ve spent lots of time thinking up understandable table names, so you can find the data easily. Again, you’re totally welcome.
6. I’m easygoing
It takes about five minutes to get me settled in and configured.  I don’t like to be a bother.  And once I’m in, I’ll just do my job! I mean, if you have time we can totally hang out, and I can tell you all about what I do. But if you’re busy, I’ll just watch over your systems for you, and send you alerts, and collect data you might want later for audits or disk space projection.
Seriously, I’m the most chill, hardworking coworker you’ll ever have. Download me today, and I can show you what I mean.
